HUMOR AND SATIRE | WHAT REALLY HAPPENED

HUMOR AND SATIRE

Jul 31 05:28

Scientists Warn That Within 6 Months Humanity Will Run Out Of Things To Call Racist

Calling brand new things racist—that no one would ever have thought could be racist—is fun, and everyone loves it. But as each new day people breathlessly inform us of the racist history of things like crossword puzzles and punctuality, scientists are warning of an impending catastrophe.

Jul 30 12:39

Joe.I.Am's (aka Joe Biden) Town Hall REMIX (My Butt's Been Wiped) - The Remix Bros

Jul 30 07:41

Take This Mask And Shove It! - Steve Stewart

Jul 29 08:57

Calm down about the Delta variant

The great thing about COVID, I like to quip, is that has abolished death from old age. Also the flu. That malady typically claims 30,000 to 40,000 scalps per annum in the US, many more in a bad year. How many flu deaths were there last season? According to the Scientific American, 700.

Find yourself in a motorcycle accident suffering the inconvenience of losing your cerebellum and all that other gooey stuff spread like jam over the interstate? Don’t worry. The medics will find an intact nostril and will determine that you tested ‘positive for COVID’. What remains of you will be transported to a hospital where management will file a claim and get 15 percent more on their government reimbursement because you ‘died from’, or at least with COVID.

There are exceptions, of course. I am told that St George Floyd, for example, tested positive for COVID but too late — not too late because he had expired but too late because a racism, racism, racism narrative intervened and took priority.

Jul 28 09:40

Dangerous New Freedom Variant Causing People to Ignore Government and Live Their Lives

Experts are warning of yet another new problem facing the nation: They’ve spotted a new, more dangerous freedom variant spreading among the populace. This freedom is so virulent that people infected by it feel they can ignore government edicts about masks and lockdowns.

“Usually, the freedom we see in the wild is fairly mild,” explained CDC official Hubert Pratt. “It’s just freedom to passionately express one of the approved viewpoints on social media or freedom to pick one of the three Obamacare options. But now we see people acting like politicians aren’t in charge of them at all, and it’s dangerous.”

With the new freedom variant, there’s been an outbreak of people not wearing masks, teaching their children their own values, and expressing ideas the Biden Administration would rather they not. Moreover, this freedom is highly contagious, even sometimes breaking into blue states once thought to be immune.

Jul 26 06:56

A/CDC - Pfizer struck

Jul 26 03:02

The Sunday Memes v4 (You Laugh You Lose)

You laugh, you lose. Your punishment : You must like or share to a friend. Stupid simple and… GO! -- HAVE A GREAT WEEK! TRY NOT TO TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY!

Jul 23 04:25

VIDEO: Victims of Systemic Oppression Casually Loot TJ Maxx in LA

Look closely into these two men's eyes and you can see the fear, nay, mortal terror of white supremacy on full display.

They know that they could be shot for any moment by racist white police or white vigilante lynch mobs just for the "crime" of wearing a hoodie and having the "wrong" skin color.

Jul 22 08:24

They don't know..... (Video)

Jul 15 07:11

Hunter Biden Announces Launch of $100K Per Cup Lemonade Stand on White House Lawn

Hunter Biden opened his very own lemonade stand on the White House front lawn Wednesday morning, citing a need for extra pocket change and a congenital passion for entrepreneurship.

“Business has always been my number-one passion in life,” Biden said. “Well, after having sex with my brother’s widow and then cheating on her with a stripper while doing tons of cocaine. That was always my top passion. But business is a close second.”

The lemonade comes in pink, cherry, and strawberry pomegranate flavors.

Jul 12 08:32

When the Biden Administration Knocks On Your Door…

Jul 09 07:58

When the Biden Administration Knocks On Your Door…

Jul 07 07:27

We fixed it for Zuckerberg

Jul 07 06:22

WELCOME TO THE “SUMMER OF JOE”

Independence Day has come and gone and we are in the middle of The Summer of Joe.

Jul 06 08:38

Thank You For Calling Woke-11

Jul 06 04:20

Neiman Marcus, Staunch Supporter of Black Lives Matter, Looted in San Francisco

Victims of systemic oppression were filmed taking food for their families (hidden in expensive handbags) out of Neiman Marcus during a flash looting on Monday evening in San Francisco.

The oppressed peoples, who clearly live in constant fear that they could be killed by racist white police at any moment for any reason over the most minor of slights, could be seen making their getaway in what appeared to be three nice, newer-model sedans.

Jul 05 17:23

‘Someone’s Gotta Occupy Afghanistan,’ Grumbles Dick Cheney, Shoving Firearms Into Suitcase

WILSON, WY—Following news that the military withdrawal had ramped up after U.S. troops pulled out of Bagram Airfield, former Vice President Dick Cheney was overheard Friday muttering “Someone’s gotta occupy Afghanistan” as he shoved a cache of firearms into a suitcase.

Jul 04 09:25

Clown show (Honesty Language Warning)

Just a picture in my head I woke up with today.... sigh... Sorry it's "SO OFFENSIVE"....

Jul 02 10:53

Annoying but endearing (33 Pics)

Jun 29 08:14

I Am Always On Your Mind

Jun 29 08:13

All In The Democratic Family

Jun 28 11:40

MONKEYING with satire speech: Mailchimp suspends The Babylon Bee for ‘harmful information’

Facebook recently announced upcoming updates to its “satire exception” to its “Hate Speech Community Standard,” warning that “true satire does not ‘punch down.’” One week later, Slate published an article claiming that — you guessed it — The Babylon Bee “has a nasty tendency to punch down.” Facebook had previously demonetized the satire site, claiming that a satirical article that quoted Monty Python and the Holy Grail constituted an incitement to violence.

Jun 27 13:10

The Sunday Memes v3 (You Laugh You Lose)

You laugh, you lose. Your punishment : You must like or share to a friend. Stupid simple and… GO!

Jun 26 06:31

A bad day for her (Video)

Jun 24 07:18

White as snow (sniff sniff)

Jun 21 05:52

Buurn (Picture)

Jun 13 07:17

Ruh roh (Picture)

Jun 07 09:31

The Horror of Teaching Critical Race Theory to Kids

Jun 04 07:33

Happy pride month (Video)

Jun 01 08:38

Damn you Karen (Picture)

May 31 06:34

Absolute power corrupts absolutely

May 27 06:46

Maskaholics Anonymous

May 07 15:52

White Liberals Watch In Amazement As Black Man Acquires ID

White liberals gathered in the town of Hampton Falls were shocked and astonished as local black man, accountant, and father of three Michael Sparkton walked right into a DOT office and acquired an ID without any assitance from liberals whatsoever.

“It was amazing — he was smart, clean, and articulate enough to walk right in and acquire the ID without consulting us white people at all,” said anti-racist activist Chloe Ryder to reporters. “He walked right in and got the ID, no questions asked. We thought it would be way above his intelligence level because, well. You know what I’m saying, right? Yeah. You know.”

Reporters said they did not know, and Ryder was forced to whisper, “because he’s black and I don’t think he’s capable of doing it!”

At publishing time, the liberals were amazed to see he had walked up to a vending machine and purchased a bottle of water all by himself.

May 07 09:26

The Manager (Picture)

May 04 11:04

CARTOON AMUSEMENT

May 02 14:40

The Sunday Memes v2 (You Laugh You Lose)

First one was well received, so let’s light this fuse. You laugh, you lose. Your punishment : You must like or share to a friend. Stupid simple and… GO!

May 01 18:44

CDC Now Recommends Wearing A Seat Belt Even When You’re Outside The Car

The CDC has issued brand new recommendations regarding the wearing of seat belts. Health experts there are now recommending people wear a seat belt, even when outside the car.

"This guidance is especially important if you're in a large group of people at the park or an outdoor event," said Dr. Stiku Pumybum. "Risk of collisions leading to bone breaks or concussions dramatically increase in large groups of people. Billions could die!"

When pressed regarding what gives the CDC authority to comment on seat belt usage, they clarified that these were simply recommendations based on the latest scientific research, for the sake of public health. When further asked how exactly a seat belt that's not anchored to anything can protect anyone, they replied with a statement saying "SHUT UP IT'S SCIENCE!"

Apr 27 11:41

10 Covid-Skeptic Memes to Get You Through the Day

What’s occurring in the world nowadays is no joke. But if you’re living under oppression for over a year, it’s probably healthy to have a laugh once in a while.

And so, on this late-April Monday morning, here are 10 memes to give you a quick chuckle in these maddening times:

Apr 26 09:46

We're Going to Need Another 'Unite Against White Nationalism' March And We're Going to Need It NOW!

White supremacy is out of control in this country!

Apr 23 05:29

In Defense Of Teenage Knife Fighting

Just when I thought that America couldn’t possibly get any softer, people start suggesting that there’s a role for the police in preventing knife murders. The snowflake generation strikes once again.

Is there any tradition that the radicals won’t ruin?

As the brilliant Bree Newsome pointed out on Twitter, “Teenagers have been having fights including fights involving knives for eons.” And now people are calling the cops on them? I ask: Is this a self-governing country or not? When Newsome says “we do not need police to address these situations by showing up to the scene & using a weapon,” she may be expressing a view that is unfashionable these days. But she’s right.

Apr 21 12:14

Men Demand Reparations From Women Due To Eve Eating The Apple

The men of the world are demanding reparations from the women of the world after realizing all their problems stem from Eve taking a bite of the fruit from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil over 5,999 years ago.

"Eve, the ancestor of all women, ruined everything for us," said Carl McGuinness of Provo, Utah, at a press conference Friday. "We demand payment for the sin and death that rained down upon the human race after the first woman went ahead and took a bite of the forbidden fruit."

"This is merely leveling the playing field from all the inequity that women have caused through their ancestor less than 6,001 years ago."

After calculating the damages stemming from Eve's bite out of the fruit, men have determined they are owed some $593,000,000,000,000,000. As they realize this will take some time to pay back, they have stated they are graciously willing to take payment in the form of sandwiches for the time being.

Apr 19 15:31

B*LLSHITTING THE REALITY : Biden administration bans use of term ‘illegal alien’

Instead of “illegal aliens,” which was still being used by some government officials in press releases and elsewhere, the employees of CBP and ICE should instead use “undocumented noncitizen” or “undocumented individual,” according to the memos. -- You want to know what I think is happening? Let's just spend a few minutes with our friend Mr. George Carlin:

Apr 18 19:14

In Braveheart Re-Release William Wallace Just Tells The Scottish To Stay Home, Stay Safe

Mel Gibson's classic film Braveheart has been deemed problematic since William Wallace encourages the Scottish to fight for their freedoms. So, Paramount Pictures announced the new Braveheart: At Home Edition, where the offending scenes have been edited to show the brave freedom fighter encouraging everyone to just "stay home" and "save lives."

Apr 18 12:57

The Sunday Memes (You Laugh You Lose)

I am going to try and make this a weekly edition to the site, because after ANOTHER week in this world, we could all use a good laugh.

Apr 16 19:21

'It Is Still Not Safe To Go Outside,' Says Fauci's Head In A Jar In Year 2739

An intercepted transmission that appears to be from the year 2739 shows footage of Dr. Anthony Fauci -- or rather, just his head, which has been preserved in a jar. In the video from the future, Fauci says it's still not safe to go outside, go to movie theaters, or eat indoors.

"Honestly, even if you've been immunized and are quadruple-masking, per current recommendations, I don't think I would risk it," he said. "Although we eradicated the virus some seven centuries ago, we can't be too careful. We must remain vigilant."

"If we let up even a little bit, we could end up right back where we were in 2020."

Apr 16 07:51

This hurts (Video)

Apr 16 06:49

Chris Rock - How not to get your ass kicked by the police!

Apr 15 10:16

Sorry (Picture)

Apr 14 23:10

Diversity Training Done Right!

This slide purportedly from a workplace diversity training course is going viral on Twitter...

Apr 12 10:35

Flip Flopping Predictions

Apr 12 04:41

I DID A THING

Apr 11 11:13

Justice is served (Picture)

Apr 10 11:47

Unclear How Bad Mass Shooting Is Until Authorities Release Details Of Everyone's Skin Color

According to media reports, there has been a mass shooting. As of now, it is unclear how bad the mass shooting is, or whether anyone should care about it-- since authorities have not yet released the skin colors of the perpetrator and the victims.

"It's possible this could be a horrific mass shooting we will talk about for years to come," said one news anchor. "On the other hand, it may just be a run-of-the-mill mass shooting that we'll forget by tomorrow since it doesn't fit the narrative we are trying to sell right now. For the time being, please be sure to assume this shooting confirms all your most horrific biases about the state of our country. Stay tuned for more details-- unless we decide you don't really need to hear more details."

Apr 09 23:15

Horse Racing - The Durex Handicap

It's the Grand National horse race today in the UK so I thought I'd post this politically incorrect stroke of genius by Derek & Clive (aka Peter Cook & Dudley Moore)

Enjoy :)

Apr 09 15:36

Biden on the Second Amendment: ‘No amendment is absolute’

Well, since all amendments are no longer absolute... let's just ignore the 16th amendment and stop paying federal taxes!

Apr 02 08:57

Good job Biden (Video)

Apr 01 02:02

RAT DELAYS COVID 19 VACCINE

I’ll Get My Covid 19 Vaccine Just As Soon As They Complete Human Testing

Mar 28 10:50

RIP in Pieces (Video)

Mar 25 11:32

Mautice (Picture)

Mar 22 12:12

Instead Of Traditional Warfare, Chinese Military Will Now Be Trained To Shout Wrong Pronouns At American Troops

BEIJING—The Chinese military has announced that they will no longer be investing in weapons, tanks, aircraft, or traditional warfare training techniques. Instead, the People's Liberation Army will simply be trained to shout the wrong pronouns at U.S. soldiers, who will collapse and shake uncontrollably at the advanced maneuver.

"Brave soldiers of the People's Liberation Army, prepare to launch a pronoun assault!" cried one platoon leader in a training exercise. "Go!"

The Chinese soldiers then began shouting "He/Him!" and "She/Her!" at American soldiers, whom Biden had loaned to the Chinese government for the practice session. They immediately collapsed to the floor. "No!!! I'm a xe/xer; it says so right on my dog tags!" cried one weeping American soldier huddled in the corner in the fetal position, rocking back and forth. "You can't call me the wrong pronoun -- it's literally violence! It's against the Geneva Convention!"

Mar 21 19:52

Putin Challenges Biden To Stair-Climbing Contest

Vladimir Putin has challenged Joe Biden to a contest of wits, strength, and cunning: a stair-ascending contest. The winner of the contest will gain control of the other country.

Mar 21 05:58

Biden Memes Are Going Off…

Mar 20 07:28

'It wasn't the wind, folks': Donald Trump Jr posts hilarious mock video showing his father knocking down Joe Biden with golf balls as president's tumble becomes internet meme

Mar 16 08:39

Those feels (Picture)

Mar 12 12:26

Vatican low on reserves to cover deficit, seeking donations

The Vatican warned Friday that it has nearly depleted its financial reserves from past donations to cover budget deficits over recent years, as it urged continued giving from the faithful to keep the Holy See afloat and Pope Francis’ ministry going.

Mar 12 10:25

Watch the Last Four Federal Reserve Chairs Sing their Loyalty to Wall Street

Mar 05 05:05

Did You Survive The Deadly QAnon Militia Capitol Attack of March 4th???

Hello?

Is anybody out there???

I somehow managed to survive the deadly QAnon attack on the Capitol -- hitherto forever immortalized as "March 4th" -- and I'm looking for fellow survivors to contact me so we can rebuild!

Mar 01 12:27

Monty Python PERFECTLY PREDICTED Equality Act

Judith: Here! I’ve got an idea. Suppose you agree that he can’t actually
have babies, not having a womb, which is nobody’s fault, not even the
Romans’, but that he can have the *right* to have babies.
Francis: Good idea, Judith. We shall fight the oppressors for your right to
have babies, brother. Sister, sorry.
Reg: (pissed) What’s the *point*?
Francis: What?
Reg: What’s the point of fighting for his right to have babies, when he
can’t have babies?
Francis: It is symbolic of our struggle against oppression.
Reg: It’s symbolic of his struggle against reality.

Feb 24 19:11

Hasbro Releases Exciting New 'Fauci Says' Game

Hasbro has released an exciting new game called "Fauci Says," where you have to try to keep up with an electronic voice telling you to do a variety of tasks.

"Whether Fauci tells you to double-mask, close down schools, lock down forever, or jump off a bridge, you'll have to comply -- or you lose the game!" says the narrator over Hasbro's debut commercial for the game. "What wacky thing will Fauci have you do next? No one knows!"

The commercial then shows a happy family competing in the game. They're all having fun, trying to mask, unmask, social-distance, then not social-distance, and perform a variety of contradictory instructions, until one of them fails to put on a seventh mask in time and is cast out of the family for being anti-science, per the game's instruction manual. "You just got Faucied!" the rest of the family says in glee as the young daughter packs her bags.

"Sorry -- that's just FAUCI SAYS!"

Feb 24 15:54

Beyond Parody: The World Of Mike Judge’s Idiocracy Is Better Than Joe Biden’s America

Idiocracy is hilarious. But Judge and Cohen are off the mark. America isn’t becoming Idiocracy. It’s becoming something worse. Fifteen years after the film’s release, the future portrayed in Idiocracy is indisputably superior to the present liberals are creating right now in America. -- Insane? Not remotely. And we’re here to tell you how.

Feb 23 15:56

I Wish This Was Fake : Headlines We Just Might Live to See!

I never thought I would see the Southern Baptist Convention begin dropping the “Southern” part of its name. “We Are Great Commission Baptists,” says the official SBC website. -- I also never thought that I would see the Washington Redskins change its name to the Washington Football Team. I remember the Redskins blocking a kick in the fourth quarter of the Super Bowl in 1973 and scoring their only touchdown of the game before losing to the Miami Dolphins. -- Here are some headlines that we might, in most cases unfortunately, just live to see...

Feb 23 10:40

Supercuts (Picture)

Feb 19 08:52

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A CONSPIRACY!

Yes Martha, there is no such thing as a conspiracy. No amount of coincidences, declarations, or facts will make a conspiracy a reality. It is true that conservatives are guilty of conspiracies, but that’s all. The wealthy elite, and the politicians are altruistic, transparent, honorable, forthcoming, righteous, just, true and legitimate people who would never get together to make any plans that would be secret and possibly violate the law and they would never take a bribe to accomplish someone else’s objectives (Republicans, conservatives, Christians and oil companies excepted) Democrats are pure as the driven snow and always tell the truth, and they never do any back room dealing, nor do they ever take a bribe or betray America and Americans.

Feb 19 07:07

'The Perseverance rover sent back a message saying it was only accompanying its daughters to Mars': Senator Cruz's Cancun trip gets the meme treatment!

Texas Senator Ted Cruz sparked a flurry of memes on Thursday after being caught flying to Cancun for a Mexican vacation as his state is suffering through one of the worst winter storms and power outages in years.

The storm has caused a major energy crisis, after as many as 4.4million Texans were left without power thanks to a bungled response from its energy distributor. As of Thursday afternoon, 500,000 are still without power as stores run out of food.

Yet Cruz was pictured with a suitcase and massive overnight bag at the United Airlines lounge, at the gate, and on the plane before his 4pm take-off on Wednesday, even as at least 21 deaths were reported and an emergency declared.

Feb 14 22:41

VIDEO: ‘Emotional’ Nancy Pelosi Storms Around Capitol, Slams Podium After Trump’s Second Acquittal

Immediately following President Donald Trump’s second Senate impeachment acquittal, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) made a surprise visit to the House impeachment managers, and revealed her rage at the decision to the media.

Feb 14 05:08

Democrats Run Scared, Decide NOT To Allow Witnesses After Trump Team Announces They Will Call Nancy Pelosi

CNN reports that former President Trump's legal team is prepared to call OVER 300 witnesses.

Feb 13 01:05

Michigan ammo company announces 'No Tolerance' policy for Biden voters

Michigan ammunition manufacturing company Fenix Ammunition announced a no tolerance policy relating to sales to Joe Biden voters on Thursday, sending left-wingers up in arms over the consequences of their own actions.

Feb 11 22:05

Loudmouth Daughter of Infamous War-Monger Compares Capitol Riots to 9-11 Terror Attacks that Killed 3,000 Americans

"This is they type of garbage the left is pumping out these days. Meghan McCain is dumb enough to join in the awfulness.

Feb 11 13:33

Jeep pulls Bruce Springsteen commercial after report of DWI arrest

The 71-year-old rock legend was arrested for drunken driving in November.

Feb 07 19:39

Bezos To Spend Newfound Free Time Bulldozing Small Businesses In Person

With Jeff Bezos no longer running Amazon, sources are reporting that he's looking forward to spending some of his free time destroying small businesses like he always did. This time will be different, however, since he'll be bulldozing them in person.

"This has always been my passion," said Bezos with a jolly smile, "but I've never really been able to get my hands in the dirt, feel the air on my face, and hear the lamentations of the peasants while I'm doing it! I feel truly blessed."

Bezos then pushed a massive lever on his new bulldozer and plowed through a little building called Anna's Coffee & Book Shop.

"WOW! Invigorating!" said Bezos as he watched the glass, rubble, and dirt shower down around him.

Feb 05 07:40

A Man Who Bought Over 1.2 Million Lemons Without A Plan For What To Do With Them Is Turning To The Internet For Advice

Now, I can’t tell you anything about what state of mind the person I’m about to talk about was in when they decided to make one of the most inexplicable purchases I’ve ever encountered. However, part of me hopes the Reddit user who recently posted about the absurd conundrum they’ve found themselves in was slightly tipsy at the time of the acquisition, because I don’t know how a sober person could possibly place an order for 1.2 million lemons without coming up with a plan for what to do with them first.

Earlier this week, someone turned to a community of small business owners on the website in the hopes they could shed some light on what to do with the massive order of Persian lemons (which are technically classified as limes) that made their way to a warehouse in Miami after being imported from Honduras

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